1:05pm - Sunday 16th November
It's my father's birthday this week and today all my family except me is down at my sister's having a family get together. The reason why I am not there? Well, is it pride or just plain stupidity. I received a text message on my mobile from my sister this morning telling me that 'mum and day are coming down today, you can come to'. To me this sounds like I am an afterthought.

6th November 2003
8:30pm

The day you rang me and told me that she had left, was the day that I felt that you lost me. The anger and hurt in your voice made me realise that it was never going to happen. One day in the future you will get to the stage that I am now and only then will you really understand what this feels like.
So many times, I've wondered what it was, why you're with me and I still do not understand why. The week after we started way back almost 9 years ago, I tried to end this and I couldn't then. I can't do it now either, but I can't go on anymore.
Sometimes I wish that you would hate me and walk away, but you won't. Sometimes I wish that you would fight tooth and nail for me. I have all these thoughts in my head, and I don't know how to tell you what they are. I don't know how to believe anymore, I don't know how to go on, I don't know how to trust what you say to me. Sometimes I don't want to tell you anything because I just what everything to stay the same, I don't what things to change or stop but then things like yesterday happen and I just get so damm angry and all I what to do is scream and yell at you but I can't say the words, they just won't come out. I hurt so much.

7th November 2003
2:12am

Woke up and could not go back to sleep. Head is full of thoughts again, I wonder if you will have your phone on today... will he talk to me....or will he have it turned off....(these are my thoughts every day, not just today)

I had all these thoughts going through my head for the last ? hour and now that I am sitting here, nothing....that's what it's like, I want to say things to you, tell you things, but when I hear your voice, see your face.... It all goes away....and I am calm again....

I wonder if you're prepared, I wonder if you fully understand, what it means for us not to be together. It means nothing......no talking, no seeing, no touching, nothing at all. Can you do that, can you really not see me again, talk to me again? Are you really prepared to give me up? Can you walk away? I know that I can't, but I also know that things cannot stay the same way. I feel like I am dying inside and I have nothing else left to give to anyone. I just go on and flow with the motions and let everyone think that things are great.

I don't' hate you, I am sorry for saying that, I just hate the way that I feel, I hate the way that I get, especially when I need you and your not there for me. I hate waking up at this hour of the morning and wanting to go back to sleep, but can't and just would like to have you here to hold me.


9.07pm

Spoke to you on the phone this morning. Thought things were okay again, but... I am really stupid for even thinking that, especially after what happened tonight. You probably think that all is okay... but it's not...

You arrange to come here on the way home. Boy did you do that. You turn up and proceed to tell me that you were going out to dinner. Boy am I stupid. You said that you did not want to miss out. Well you certainly did not miss out. As I told you, you made me feel real cheap. I just feel numb. I don't feel anything.

What this blog is about
This blog is about me and the affair I have been having with a married man for the last 9 years. Yep, I suppose I am stupid, for allowing it to keep on going but sometimes I prefer it this way, but then again, when things are bad, I just want to walk away, but that's easier said then done.

This blog is actually for him, even though he will never read these messages. I suppose maybe it will help me to let go of my feelings and try to move on. I do want to, but I am not sure how I am supposed to live my life without him in it. He does not want to let me go, but he dosen't want to let her go either.